Today’s question comes from Maggie, a sister in my A Course in Miracles workbook study group. She wrote me a private message after class, and I felt so inspired to answer her question, because I know there are so many people who are grappling with the same ideas.

Maggie’s Question

"Hey Britney, thank you for class today. I just have a question about relationships, specifically romantic relationships, that I’m looking for clarity on. My thought is that Jesus did not have a romantic relationship, so that means if I was truly Christlike and truly like Him, I wouldn’t want that or have that either. But maybe the whole concept I have needs to be corrected, because maybe that’s just not true. Maybe that’s just my perception. But we all have different circumstances, and God does have a plan, a particular plan for all of us. I believe this, especially because you and Tom are together, and it’s beautiful, and so much comes from the two of you being together and what you bring to this earth. Oftentimes, I wish Jesus did have a romantic relationship, and maybe He did with Mary Magdalene. We don’t know. Or that at least it was shown, or that we had some information about what that looked like as an example. But I’m just looking for more clarity on that, please, and thank you. With love, Maggie."

Do you hear how sincerely she wants to follow Jesus? And I also hear that underneath Maggie’s question is this: Can I want a romantic partner and still want what God wants for me?

Follow God’s Purpose, Not the Outward Form

The first point for me is to follow His purpose, God’s purpose, and not the outward form. We are never seeking outward form. We’re not seeking a relationship. We’re seeking to follow God’s purpose.

And if my purpose is in alignment with a romantic relationship, it will be given me, but I need not seek it. It will be added unto me.

The reason that is so is because becoming Christlike is not about making the circumstances of our life look exactly like Jesus’s life. It’s not the things of form that are meant to mirror Jesus’s life. It’s about learning to love as He loved, to see as He saw, to know who we are and why we’re here, and to let that purpose and God’s divine guidance guide our lives and our relationships.

So it’s true: we don’t know if Jesus had a romantic relationship with Mary Magdalene. There are different ideas about that, but speculation cannot give us the answer we need. What we do know is that Mary was His disciple, and Jesus had a relationship with her and all the disciples that was centered in God. It was centered in purpose and miracle working.

So rather than asking, "Did Jesus have a romantic partner?" we can ask: "What was He here to give? What did He see in all of His brothers, including Mary? And am I willing to learn how to see as He did too?"

Jesus was clear about who He was and what He was here for. It was clear that He saw Himself as the Christ and nothing else, and we are learning to remember that clarity too.

You Are Already Whole and Complete

We are realizing that I’m not here to get my worth from another person. I’m not here to have some other person complete me. I’m not here to feel I’m not good enough until the other person comes to meet me. We are here to remember the love that God created us to be: how worthy and whole and complete and enough we are, right here, right now.

And from that wholeness, the love extends through us. As this whole and complete love extends through us, that is when a romantic partner can be attracted to our completion and meet us in this completion.

That’s instead of filling some hole in us, which is typically what relationships of this world tend to do: "I don’t feel complete until I have my partner. I don’t feel like I’m enough or worthy until they come into my life."

We have this feeling of loss or emptiness until this person steps in. But God and Jesus are trying to teach us that there is no loss. There is nothing missing. You are whole and complete and enough exactly as you are.

So our first job is to follow our purpose of healing our mind, and letting go of anything that makes us feel that we’re less than holy, worthy, lovable and loving right here, right now, without a person.

And then what can happen from that completion is that it’s almost like, from your mind, your heart, your beingness, you radiate this completion. You radiate this wholeness, and your person will be attracted to that. They will meet you in that sense of equality, in that sense of completion, so that you both are whole, complete individuals. And then together, you share in the shared purpose with God.

So the first thing that I have to say here is this: The goal is not a romantic partnership. The goal is to follow God’s purpose.

And then we leave the romantic partnership in God’s hands, to be given us at the right and perfect time, as a match for our feelings of wholeness and completion. That’s genuinely how it happened with me and Tom, and I’ll share more of that story in a moment.

What Do You Want the Relationship For?

Because really, the second part here is: what do we want the relationship for? I already mentioned this a little bit, but we have to get really clear on this. What do we want the relationship for?

Jesus gives us a very, very helpful question in A Course in Miracles: "What do I want to come of this? What is it for?"

That is where I would begin. Not with whether you should have a relationship or not, but with what you want to come of it. When it does come, what do I want to come of it?

Because, like I was already saying, is this person here to prove to you that you’re lovable? Or to take your fear away? Are you looking to feel more safe and protected with this person, to finally feel complete? That’s one way to look for a partnership.

But then there’s the second way: maybe I want a relationship that is here to help us remember the love that is already true about us. Where we learn forgiveness, listen to guidance together, co-create together, and bring something beautiful to the world together as God directs.

Those are very different purposes. One is about getting; one is about giving. And we can be honest if we notice both in ourselves. It’s not a reason for us to feel guilty. It’s for us to continue to look at the aspects that focus on getting, and to lay those down.

Seek First the Kingdom

Because if we want a romantic relationship, but we want to follow Jesus, or at least just know the truth, then we must let the truth, the Christ, Jesus, go ahead of our romantic relationships.

There’s a thought in the Bible, and in A Course in Miracles, that says to seek first the kingdom of heaven, and everything else will be added unto you. That’s what this teaching is saying. Seek first the purpose that you share with God. Seek first your own completion. And then from that, everything, including a romantic partnership, will be added unto you.

We have to remember that A Course in Miracles reminds us that God wills us perfect happiness. If having a partner, or having a family, or having this quality of life is something that we feel would bring us the greatest joy, well, then God will help us to bring that to us.

But first, He’s going to help us to see that the joy is not in that thing or in that person. That joy is in your heart, in your mind, and you’re simply accepting it there and allowing everything else to be added unto you.

My Experience With Tom

Now this leads me to my experience with Tom, because what I asked for before Tom came was something very specific. I asked for a partner who could help me to heal on every level of my being and help me serve the world.

I wasn’t asking for a partnership for my own purposes. I was asking for a partner so that I could be greater inside myself, and so that we could be greater together to bless the world even more. I was asking for the power that I knew in myself to be combined with the power of another brother’s soul, so that together we could be God’s power and light and love on this planet.

So my vision was for me and all the world. That’s where my partner came from. That’s when Tom showed up. It wasn’t just about me. It was about us. It wasn’t just for me. It was for us.

And that’s the kind of asking that God and Jesus want us to get into: we’re not asking to get things for ourselves alone. We are asking to receive things so that we can give more.

I also realized that when Tom came into my life, I still had preconceived ideas of what a boyfriend was, or what a husband was. So I had to slowly let go of those ideas and those labels and those roles, because what I was asking for was shared purpose.

Shared purpose was what was going to bring me the joy and the peace that I was seeking. So I needed to lay down the roles that I was ascribing to him, so that I could allow God’s Voice to ascribe the roles for us instead.

And that’s how we’ve been able to be stable in our relationship, in God, in our purpose: because of what our relationship is for. It’s for God. It’s not for either of us individually. But when it is for God, we receive most fully in that, because as we give, we receive.

So be mindful of what you’re asking for in a relationship, both before it comes and when it comes.

A Holy Relationship Is a Means of Awakening

This is where I want to put a bow on this and tie it up. We’re told in A Course in Miracles that our relationships are where we practice. Our relationships are where the miracles happen, where the awakening happens, where we can see a brother as ourself, love a brother as ourself, know a brother as ourself. Our relationships are everything.

And in A Course in Miracles, we’re told that when we give our relationships to the Holy Spirit, our relationships become a means of awakening. So Jesus has never said, "Don’t have relationships," or "Don’t have romantic relationships." He says to allow your relationships to be dedicated to purpose, to be dedicated to God, and to become a means of awakening.

This is why Jesus says that the holy relationship is a means of saving time. It’s to save time, to save suffering, to save pain, to save feeling alone or isolated or not good enough. So a relationship is meant to save time, but that’s a holy relationship.

We’re learning to lay down the want for a romantic relationship for ourselves, and instead to say: "I want a holy relationship in God."

It’s back to what I said earlier. When you seek what is of God, a holy relationship, everything else will be added unto you. So if a romantic partnership is part of that for you, it will be included in your asking for what is truly yours: a holy relationship that comes from God.

A holy relationship is what establishes us as equals: I’m a child of God, and you’re a child of God, and we’re equal in His eyes and in His perception. Therefore, we learn to see each other with a brotherly love toward one another, but the role in that relationship is ascribed by God.

That role could be a romantic one. It could be a parental one, where you have parents together raising a family. It could just be a co-creative one. It could be whatever it needs to be.

But we’re asked not to define what it’s supposed to be. We’re asked to choose the main purpose: "I want my relationship to be used to help me to heal on all levels of my being so I can help heal the world. Thank you, God."

That asking is in alignment with God’s will, and you will receive anytime anything is in alignment with God’s will.

Just Ask, and Let Him Lead the Way

So the last thing that I have to say here, my friends, is this. If we’re curious about a romantic relationship, if we want one, if it’s time for one, if He would will us to have one, just ask. Just ask. Leave it in the hands of God.

Say something like: "Holy Spirit, help me to see what I am asking this relationship to give me. Correct my purpose where it needs correction, but I want to know love, and I want to give love. Show me how. I leave the details of this relationship in Your hands."

And then just listen. Just step back and let Him lead the way.

He will help prepare you for your partner, but you don’t have to worry about seeking the partner. Focus on seeing yourself as whole, loved, lovable and enough already, so that when your partner comes, you are two full cups, and together you can be equals headed in the direction of the light and the love of God’s plan.

So my friends, you are wholly worthy of receiving a relationship that fulfills you on every level of your being. You’re wholly worthy of having a partnership that meets you in equality and love and service to God and to our brothers and sisters, in the way that will serve your soul, the soul of your partner, and all of the world.

And so just know that you’re here right now because God wants to remind you that you deserve everything that your heart desires. As you continue to invite Him in to make these decisions, you will be made ready to receive all of it.